A Happier Me

I'm getting quite tired of being depressed, so I've decided to do a bulleted post of the good things in my life, which really do out number the one bad thing that seems to outweigh all the good right now. I guess I sometimes just need to remind myself that we really are blessed & we'll get through this difficult time. So here are the things in my life that I love & am so grateful for:

• I must start with my beautiful, adorable 1 year old daughter. She is getting bigger & bigger & more grown up every day. She's been taking steps for over a month now but rarely does she actually take off walking. She much prefers the speed she gets from crawling around. Yesterday she did take about 20 steps at the park. I think she's pretty close to full on walking. She's also finally started expanding her vocabulary beyond mama & dada. She says uh-oh & now she says bye when she waves to you. She's got a long way to go, but she's learning.
• A healthy, pain free pregnancy. This pregnancy has been even easier than the first one. No morning sickness (well, very, very little). If it wasn't for the fact that I'm very obviously showing, I'd sometimes forget that I'm pregnant. I do find myself winded & tired a lot, but overall it's so easy going. I will have to post a pic of my belly cause it's almost ridiculous how much I'm showing at only 14 weeks!
• My wonderful husband who is trying his best to be supportive as I battle this depression. He's basically going through the same thing & hates the situation as much as me. He knows what a sacrafice I'm making & he's doing his best to change the situation for us. He's also been letting me have girls nights out by watching Ava for me. We are definitely going through a rough patch in our lives, but I'm so happy that he's the one I'm going through it with.
• Vacation! In one more week. There is seriously no place like home. I'm a bit nervous about flying with a one year old even though I'll have Edward with me but I just can't wait to go. I need to have yummy upstate NY food (salt potatoes, coneys, real pizza & wings, a Wegmans sub!). I need to spend time with my mom. I need for my dad to get to know Ava more. The best part of this trip is that my older stepsister from North Carolina & her husband, as well as my little sis from FL are all going to be home at the same time. I'll get to meet my new BIL & my niece just got a new dog, which Ava will just love!
• New babies. I get to meet two new babies when I get to NY. My friend Sherry had an adorable little boy last month & my bestest friend Mindy has an adorable little girl. Mindy is battling a bit of the baby blues (all those hormones that hit 3 weeks after the baby is born) so I'm so eager to get there & just be there for her. I'm even going to try & get my mom to watch Ava for one afternoon so that I can help Mindy out, maybe give her a chance to get out.
• Work. Usually this one is on my bad list, but lately the chance to get out of the house & lose myself in work has been nice. It's been fairly quiet in the office & I haven't been getting lots of phone calls on my off days. I'm also super grateful for the opportunity to work part time & get extra money while still being home with my baby most of the time.
• Friends. I've made some amazing friends through the mommy group I joined that have really helped me out lately. They've been calling me to do things just to get my out of the house.
• Ava's new daycare. I've been trying out this daycare that Ava seems to love. Today is only her second day there, but last week I could barely drag her away. Mali is an older grandma type lady. She feeds them wonderful healthy lunches & the play outside everyday. I also love that Ava is getting interaction with other kids.

I think my list could actually go on but I'll stop here since I should really get back to work! It's good to know that I'm happier than I thought I was.

Ava's 1st Birthday In Pictures

My Dark Place

I've been avoiding blogging recently because all that's on my mind is how miserable I am & that really doesn't make for an interesting read. I find it so odd how in March I remember thinking that I was the happiest I think I had ever been in my life. I loved being a mom, I loved that we were already planning on expanding our family, I loved that our house was finally seeing some progress. Everything was exactly the way I wanted my life to be.

Then my father in law moved in. I don't mean to place all the blame on him, but I know that my recent unhappiness has everything to do with him living here. It's impossible to be happy when I hate coming home to my own house. I hate getting out of bed in the morning because I know the first thing I'll have to do is clean the bathroom floor. I hate that I'm way behind in housework because I have no motivation to do it because I know that the house will be all messed up by lunchtime again anyhow. I feel I'm slipping into a dark place that I don't want to get to.

I know that my real life friends are starting to get tired of hearing about it. I know that I am. I don't want to lose friends because of this, but I honestly can't think of anything else. I've talked to my husband, but what are we supposed to do? My BIL & SIL have found a great veterans home that we think we could get him into by the end of the year. That's looking like the best option right now, even though my husband is against it because it will take us 45 minutes to get there so he doesn't think we'll visit that often. I think he's right, but we can't keep living our lives like this & the veterans home won't cost us anything. Any other option will cost us since FIL has absolutely no money or assets of his own.

We're still fixing up the in-law unit out back but that's about as far away from being done as getting him into the veterans home. Even if he's out there, not much will change around here & I think I'll still be miserable. I'm freaking out because he has an in-patient operation tomorrow. What that means for me is that he'll be home tomorrow night & I'll be expected to get meals for him & take care of him for a few days until he's allowed out of bed.

I realize that I'm a complete downer these days, so if you're still here reading, thanks for being loyal. I do actually have to get some pics up of my beautiful daughter, who turned 1 a couple of weeks ago. I had an entire "1 year old" post planned but I've had no motivation to sit down & actually write it. I promise the next time I write will be much happier!

Another Boring Account of My Boring Life

I'm really finding blogging time few & far between these days. I really have very little free time & what time I do have I've been reading or spending with Ava. I feel like I'm always cleaning, organizing & just trying to get through the millions of things I need to do. We took a bit of a break yesterday & went to the mom's group park day & then hung out with my sister-in-law all afternoon. Of course, now I feel way behind again.



A number of things have happened this week as well. My oldest stepsister, Gina, who has 2 almost adult kids & has been married & divorced twice, just sent an email to me, my other stepsister, my little sister & one of our cousins who is also Gina's best friend to tell us that she got married last Friday. My mom had mentioned to me that she was thinking about going to Niagra Falls to elope with this guy that I've never met cause she's only been seeing him for a few months. My parents have met him & like him. I can't believe my mom didn't tell me at all this week though. I'm wondering if she didn't even tell my parents yet. It's so typical Gina that none of this surprises me. I just think it's funny that within one week Ava got a new aunt (when my BIL got married) and a new uncle. Hilarious!



Yesterday my best friend from back home delivered her second child. Reese Peyton. She has a 2 year old son so she is so excited to have a daughter now too. I've only seen the text message picture since they are still in the hospital, but I'm so looking forward to some more pictures of what I'm sure is the most adorable baby girl!



My pregnancy is pretty much completely out in the open now. I told my client at work the other day, but I wasn't able to get ahold of my boss so I'm hoping I can reach her today. I've worked for my client for over 4 years, but I've only worked for this new management company for a few months, so I really felt it much more important to tell my client the news. They, of course, want to know what my plans are for after the baby, but I have no clue yet. I'm still trying to find someone to watch Ava while I work since my regular babysitter quit. A friend of mine has been helping out until I can get someone permanantly. I really want to just quit, but part of me knows that getting out of the house twice a week is really good for me right now.



Having my FIL with us is really, really taking it's toll on me. It's all I can think about since he's just everywhere. I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do. The thing is, there really isn't anything I can do. I'm just miserable but I'll just have to survive. I've thought many times how nice it would be to go visit my parents for 2 months or more, but I know that I can't leave my husband for that long.



Well, it's time to pack up & get to work. At least I'll be out of the house today.